haha, kinda? no one ever locks their doors in the underground, that's for sure.
[Except for Sans.]
i dunno, i mean. robberies don't happen all that much, since everyone pretty much knows each other. and if someone's gonna just walk into your house randomly it's usually cause they're a friend, so.
[Monsters are just like that. Inherently good, and kind. And they...
They don't deserve to live among them. Never did. Never should have. But this is exactly what they wanted to erase by talking to him about this. That feeling of not belonging.]
[They smile, an unintentional, startled quirk of the lips. Of course he'd know. He has his way of showing up wherever he's not supposed to be, much in the same manner as a cat.]
Sans?
Would there be a way to keep a picture of us in Wonderland, in the same way you can keep the picture of the people you don't want to forget? So that there's no way for anything to touch it.
Yeah. I'm just tired of losing people. Undyne, and Asriel. I don't want to forget people. I wish I could just keep everything safe, all the memories. So I won't forget. So no one forgets.
I keep trying to remember. It was sort of my responsibility to keep people safe at home. But I can't do that here can I
The response comes in stutters, carefully typed out over a period of about ten to fifteen minutes. Painstaking, slow. Double-checking for errors. Trying to make it...palatable. Acceptable. Not inconvenient.]
It feels like I did in all the worst moments. It feels like I should be able to SAVE them like I SAVED everyone, but I can't. It feels like maybe, if I just tried harder, if I used that power and that determination that made me so special, I would be able to save them.
I'm always the one that changes things. I'm the only thing that changes, and the world reacts to me. So it must be me. It must be something I did. And I have to SAVE them, and bring them back. I have to try.
I must not want it hard enough. Some part of me must want this. Some part of me must be happy with this. Some part of me wanted it. If it didn't, shouldn't I be able to make things right again?
[He knew what he was asking. And he expected this answer. Expected the harshness and desperate frustration.]
[It strikes him, not for the first time, that he and Frisk are pretty similar. Or that maybe a past version of himself and Frisk are similar. He tried so damn hard to save Gaster, to roll everything back to how it was and fix everything. He was the only one who remembered. The one with the "special power," so to speak. And it amounted to nothing. None of it mattered. It was like trying to change one of the fundamental laws of the universe. It doesn't even really come down to personal failings and shortcomings. It comes down to the fact that some things just absolutely cannot be changed.]
i get it
it's a horrible feeling.
but you do realize that it's not actually your fault, right?
that it's just a feeling?
though knowing doesn't actually help all that much
feelings like that are kinda irrational
you just sort of...feel them. regardless of whether they're true or not
alphys has this theory
about a sort of...tiered structure to reality?
like a big cake
because everything with any sort of power has to bend to something with more power
so monsters are on the bottom
you, chara, and the both of you as the anomaly are somewhere in the middle
and wonderland is on top
although that's slightly inaccurate
you'd need an infinite cake
because there's always going to be something out there with more power
forces we can't see or understand
there might be something beyond wonderland, controlling it in some way
but we'll likely never know what it is
and it doesn't matter, because wonderland itself controls us
trumps any sort of power or determination we might have
and, yanno
that's not exactly a pleasant thought and it's probably kind of scary
but it does mean that the stuff that happens to us here isn't out fault
that it's just beyond our control
it's just wonderland being overpowering and capricious
but, uh, then again
that probably isn't very helpful
i'm already used to this sort of thing
i wish i could give you advice on how to get used to it
Yeah, I know. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. But Chara and I kind of figured it out the other day, when we were in your room. It's what we were arguing about. We're not the most powerful things back home. There's us but there's also
There wasn't just us in my head, there was something
[Wasn't just them. Not just Frisk, not just Chara.]
[He wondered, sort of. Remembers staring at reports, numbers, comparing it side by side with what memories he could retain. Something about it all seemed...weird. Very little that the anomaly did was understandable from a purely moral or logical standpoint, but the Erase...the fact that there was evidence that the world had been erased, and then had come back. A sinking feeling in his ribs when he first saw all the timelines ending, and then confusion when it became apparent that it had happened before. That it had possibly happened several times.]
[He dies, and then shortly after that, everything ends. Not just ends--ceases. Stops existing. And when something stops existing, it's not supposed to ever exist again. Everything with Gaster drilled that into his skull.]
[So...how? And why? If Chara and Frisk both clearly wanted to Erase everything...why bring it back? How was it even possible? And why did the Reset bring everything back to the same starting point as always, instead of rolling back to any other point in time? Well, jeez, now he's wondering if Frisk and Chara were asking themselves that same question. Erase the whole world and start over completely from scratch, and maybe that actually would allow them to save Asriel once and for all. But it...doesn't. It's just the same loop, the same few days, over and over.]
[That's actually really weird, isn't it? That's all--he never really thought about how weird it was. Too caught up in the existential dread and sheer misery of it all to ever look at it with complete objectivity.]
[But Frisk cuts themselves off. A mention of something else, a long pause, and then they stop. And he thinks he knows why. Something Dipper mentioned once. Something he himself has considered. Something he has very carefully avoided ever thinking about too deeply, because you can break plenty of times, you can see the way the world works and break over and over, but there are some things that you really can't come back from.]
[Some scientists think the world might be one giant computer simulation. What a fascinating thought, right?]
for the same reason you don't want to dig for the doctor anymore, right?
No. That's different. I still want to, but I won't. It's not good if I figure out how he did it.
[...ah.
Well, maybe he would've figured it out anyway. He's smart. Able to put the pieces together. He put them together a whole lot of times. Maybe he even knows who, or what they're talking about, even if it doesn't seem to like being talked about. It escapes their mind in a way that's entirely different from the man who - the one whose name also escapes them. Like their very existence shouldn't be perceived at all. Like they're some kind of invisible hand that...
Just as easily as they conjured up the thought, it's gone again.]
[Abruptly, all thoughts of the other thing are gone.]
that was it?
that was the reason?
you thought that would be some kind of
[They thought that was a solution? They thought that was--they thought that was acceptable?]
[All at once he feels...cold. Not a temperature cold, not even a despair cold. An...angry cold.]
[He's angry. Or as close to angry as he can get in this timeline.]
[They thought--they seriously thought--but it's not like he ever explained it. It's not like they would have known. They probably, what, assume he just--did some stupid science experiment and poof? Like it's that easy? Like that's what he wanted?]
no, you know what
i can tell you
i can tell you exactly how he did it
and it won't matter, because it can't be replicated
it's not physically possible for something like that to happen ever again
as impossible as any of us willing ourselves to leave wonderland, or to stay
They cringe, unconsciously, flinching as though struck by the words even if they appear over text, in that stupid, innocent font of his and it wouldn't even matter, they could cut him down in an instant and they -
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:14 am (UTC)Do you guys always have an open-door policy or something?
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:32 am (UTC)[Except for Sans.]
i dunno, i mean. robberies don't happen all that much, since everyone pretty much knows each other. and if someone's gonna just walk into your house randomly it's usually cause they're a friend, so.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:40 am (UTC)[Monsters are just like that. Inherently good, and kind. And they...
They don't deserve to live among them. Never did. Never should have. But this is exactly what they wanted to erase by talking to him about this. That feeling of not belonging.]
Most of the people we met are friends anyway.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:47 am (UTC)or at least a good way to troll some people.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:54 am (UTC)Sans?
Would there be a way to keep a picture of us in Wonderland, in the same way you can keep the picture of the people you don't want to forget? So that there's no way for anything to touch it.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 06:02 am (UTC)no, i'm sorry.
the way that happens is...
it's kind of a combination of a few complicated science things
there's this device that someone made once, and some other stuff
but uh
none of it can be replicated here
but maybe...there's that guy doing the photo album thing, right?
all of our stuff disappears when we go home
but stuff like that, that's shared ends up sticking around
as long as someone is here to remember, theoretically you could just
kind of pass a picture or a photo album around?
so that it's always moving and won't disappear when the person does
but that's not quite the same thing.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 06:07 am (UTC)In case anything happens. It would make it harder if stuff was
If I couldn't just disappear.
text
Date: 2016-08-30 07:44 am (UTC)yeah, i understand.
i dunno, kid
i think the best we can do is remember for each other.
it makes what harder, though?
text
Date: 2016-08-30 05:10 pm (UTC)I keep trying to remember. It was sort of my responsibility to keep people safe at home. But I can't do that here can I
text
Date: 2016-08-31 03:37 am (UTC)it doesn't have to be your responsibility here
i think wonderland's just more powerful than all of us.
text
Date: 2016-08-31 03:50 am (UTC)But it still feels like I should be doing a better job of this. I don't even know how to lose someone if I wasn't the one to kill them.
text
Date: 2016-08-31 04:06 am (UTC)having lost undyne and asriel
how does it feel?
text 1/??
Date: 2016-08-31 04:14 am (UTC)Does he know what he's asking?
The response comes in stutters, carefully typed out over a period of about ten to fifteen minutes. Painstaking, slow. Double-checking for errors. Trying to make it...palatable. Acceptable. Not inconvenient.]
* You struggle.
* Nothing happened.
text
Date: 2016-08-31 04:16 am (UTC)text
Date: 2016-08-31 04:16 am (UTC)Because I'm not trying hard enough. That's how it feels.
text
Date: 2016-08-31 04:17 am (UTC)Why doesn't it work?
text
Date: 2016-08-31 04:19 am (UTC)The resolve to change fate.
That special power.
I must not want it hard enough. Some part of me must want this. Some part of me must be happy with this. Some part of me wanted it. If it didn't, shouldn't I be able to make things right again?
But I must not want it badly enough.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 04:19 am (UTC)...
...no wonder he didn't want to let go.]
text DONE
Date: 2016-08-31 04:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 04:56 am (UTC)[It strikes him, not for the first time, that he and Frisk are pretty similar. Or that maybe a past version of himself and Frisk are similar. He tried so damn hard to save Gaster, to roll everything back to how it was and fix everything. He was the only one who remembered. The one with the "special power," so to speak. And it amounted to nothing. None of it mattered. It was like trying to change one of the fundamental laws of the universe. It doesn't even really come down to personal failings and shortcomings. It comes down to the fact that some things just absolutely cannot be changed.]
i get it
it's a horrible feeling.
but you do realize that it's not actually your fault, right?
that it's just a feeling?
though knowing doesn't actually help all that much
feelings like that are kinda irrational
you just sort of...feel them. regardless of whether they're true or not
alphys has this theory
about a sort of...tiered structure to reality?
like a big cake
because everything with any sort of power has to bend to something with more power
so monsters are on the bottom
you, chara, and the both of you as the anomaly are somewhere in the middle
and wonderland is on top
although that's slightly inaccurate
you'd need an infinite cake
because there's always going to be something out there with more power
forces we can't see or understand
there might be something beyond wonderland, controlling it in some way
but we'll likely never know what it is
and it doesn't matter, because wonderland itself controls us
trumps any sort of power or determination we might have
and, yanno
that's not exactly a pleasant thought and it's probably kind of scary
but it does mean that the stuff that happens to us here isn't out fault
that it's just beyond our control
it's just wonderland being overpowering and capricious
but, uh, then again
that probably isn't very helpful
i'm already used to this sort of thing
i wish i could give you advice on how to get used to it
or at least how to make the best of it.
i'm sorry, frisk.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 05:46 am (UTC)There wasn't just us in my head, there was something
[Ow.
That thought hurt for some reason.]
Sorry. Shouldn't talk about it.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:14 am (UTC)[He wondered, sort of. Remembers staring at reports, numbers, comparing it side by side with what memories he could retain. Something about it all seemed...weird. Very little that the anomaly did was understandable from a purely moral or logical standpoint, but the Erase...the fact that there was evidence that the world had been erased, and then had come back. A sinking feeling in his ribs when he first saw all the timelines ending, and then confusion when it became apparent that it had happened before. That it had possibly happened several times.]
[He dies, and then shortly after that, everything ends. Not just ends--ceases. Stops existing. And when something stops existing, it's not supposed to ever exist again. Everything with Gaster drilled that into his skull.]
[So...how? And why? If Chara and Frisk both clearly wanted to Erase everything...why bring it back? How was it even possible? And why did the Reset bring everything back to the same starting point as always, instead of rolling back to any other point in time? Well, jeez, now he's wondering if Frisk and Chara were asking themselves that same question. Erase the whole world and start over completely from scratch, and maybe that actually would allow them to save Asriel once and for all. But it...doesn't. It's just the same loop, the same few days, over and over.]
[That's actually really weird, isn't it? That's all--he never really thought about how weird it was. Too caught up in the existential dread and sheer misery of it all to ever look at it with complete objectivity.]
[But Frisk cuts themselves off. A mention of something else, a long pause, and then they stop. And he thinks he knows why. Something Dipper mentioned once. Something he himself has considered. Something he has very carefully avoided ever thinking about too deeply, because you can break plenty of times, you can see the way the world works and break over and over, but there are some things that you really can't come back from.]
[Some scientists think the world might be one giant computer simulation. What a fascinating thought, right?]
for the same reason you don't want to dig for the doctor anymore, right?
maybe it's for the best.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:19 am (UTC)[...ah.
Well, maybe he would've figured it out anyway. He's smart. Able to put the pieces together. He put them together a whole lot of times. Maybe he even knows who, or what they're talking about, even if it doesn't seem to like being talked about. It escapes their mind in a way that's entirely different from the man who - the one whose name also escapes them. Like their very existence shouldn't be perceived at all. Like they're some kind of invisible hand that...
Just as easily as they conjured up the thought, it's gone again.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:43 am (UTC)[Oh.]
[Oh fuck.]
[Abruptly, all thoughts of the other thing are gone.]
that was it?
that was the reason?
you thought that would be some kind of
[They thought that was a solution? They thought that was--they thought that was acceptable?]
[All at once he feels...cold. Not a temperature cold, not even a despair cold. An...angry cold.]
[He's angry. Or as close to angry as he can get in this timeline.]
[They thought--they seriously thought--but it's not like he ever explained it. It's not like they would have known. They probably, what, assume he just--did some stupid science experiment and poof? Like it's that easy? Like that's what he wanted?]
no, you know what
i can tell you
i can tell you exactly how he did it
and it won't matter, because it can't be replicated
it's not physically possible for something like that to happen ever again
as impossible as any of us willing ourselves to leave wonderland, or to stay
and you might say you don't want to know anymore
but i think you're going to have to convince me
so i'll tell you
come by my room and we'll chat.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:48 am (UTC)They cringe, unconsciously, flinching as though struck by the words even if they appear over text, in that stupid, innocent font of his and it wouldn't even matter, they could cut him down in an instant and they -
Don't want this.
Don't want to think about this.
Don't have a choice.]
Are you mad at me?
(no subject)
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