[He knew what he was asking. And he expected this answer. Expected the harshness and desperate frustration.]
[It strikes him, not for the first time, that he and Frisk are pretty similar. Or that maybe a past version of himself and Frisk are similar. He tried so damn hard to save Gaster, to roll everything back to how it was and fix everything. He was the only one who remembered. The one with the "special power," so to speak. And it amounted to nothing. None of it mattered. It was like trying to change one of the fundamental laws of the universe. It doesn't even really come down to personal failings and shortcomings. It comes down to the fact that some things just absolutely cannot be changed.]
i get it
it's a horrible feeling.
but you do realize that it's not actually your fault, right?
that it's just a feeling?
though knowing doesn't actually help all that much
feelings like that are kinda irrational
you just sort of...feel them. regardless of whether they're true or not
alphys has this theory
about a sort of...tiered structure to reality?
like a big cake
because everything with any sort of power has to bend to something with more power
so monsters are on the bottom
you, chara, and the both of you as the anomaly are somewhere in the middle
and wonderland is on top
although that's slightly inaccurate
you'd need an infinite cake
because there's always going to be something out there with more power
forces we can't see or understand
there might be something beyond wonderland, controlling it in some way
but we'll likely never know what it is
and it doesn't matter, because wonderland itself controls us
trumps any sort of power or determination we might have
and, yanno
that's not exactly a pleasant thought and it's probably kind of scary
but it does mean that the stuff that happens to us here isn't out fault
that it's just beyond our control
it's just wonderland being overpowering and capricious
but, uh, then again
that probably isn't very helpful
i'm already used to this sort of thing
i wish i could give you advice on how to get used to it
Yeah, I know. I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. But Chara and I kind of figured it out the other day, when we were in your room. It's what we were arguing about. We're not the most powerful things back home. There's us but there's also
There wasn't just us in my head, there was something
[Wasn't just them. Not just Frisk, not just Chara.]
[He wondered, sort of. Remembers staring at reports, numbers, comparing it side by side with what memories he could retain. Something about it all seemed...weird. Very little that the anomaly did was understandable from a purely moral or logical standpoint, but the Erase...the fact that there was evidence that the world had been erased, and then had come back. A sinking feeling in his ribs when he first saw all the timelines ending, and then confusion when it became apparent that it had happened before. That it had possibly happened several times.]
[He dies, and then shortly after that, everything ends. Not just ends--ceases. Stops existing. And when something stops existing, it's not supposed to ever exist again. Everything with Gaster drilled that into his skull.]
[So...how? And why? If Chara and Frisk both clearly wanted to Erase everything...why bring it back? How was it even possible? And why did the Reset bring everything back to the same starting point as always, instead of rolling back to any other point in time? Well, jeez, now he's wondering if Frisk and Chara were asking themselves that same question. Erase the whole world and start over completely from scratch, and maybe that actually would allow them to save Asriel once and for all. But it...doesn't. It's just the same loop, the same few days, over and over.]
[That's actually really weird, isn't it? That's all--he never really thought about how weird it was. Too caught up in the existential dread and sheer misery of it all to ever look at it with complete objectivity.]
[But Frisk cuts themselves off. A mention of something else, a long pause, and then they stop. And he thinks he knows why. Something Dipper mentioned once. Something he himself has considered. Something he has very carefully avoided ever thinking about too deeply, because you can break plenty of times, you can see the way the world works and break over and over, but there are some things that you really can't come back from.]
[Some scientists think the world might be one giant computer simulation. What a fascinating thought, right?]
for the same reason you don't want to dig for the doctor anymore, right?
No. That's different. I still want to, but I won't. It's not good if I figure out how he did it.
[...ah.
Well, maybe he would've figured it out anyway. He's smart. Able to put the pieces together. He put them together a whole lot of times. Maybe he even knows who, or what they're talking about, even if it doesn't seem to like being talked about. It escapes their mind in a way that's entirely different from the man who - the one whose name also escapes them. Like their very existence shouldn't be perceived at all. Like they're some kind of invisible hand that...
Just as easily as they conjured up the thought, it's gone again.]
[Abruptly, all thoughts of the other thing are gone.]
that was it?
that was the reason?
you thought that would be some kind of
[They thought that was a solution? They thought that was--they thought that was acceptable?]
[All at once he feels...cold. Not a temperature cold, not even a despair cold. An...angry cold.]
[He's angry. Or as close to angry as he can get in this timeline.]
[They thought--they seriously thought--but it's not like he ever explained it. It's not like they would have known. They probably, what, assume he just--did some stupid science experiment and poof? Like it's that easy? Like that's what he wanted?]
no, you know what
i can tell you
i can tell you exactly how he did it
and it won't matter, because it can't be replicated
it's not physically possible for something like that to happen ever again
as impossible as any of us willing ourselves to leave wonderland, or to stay
They cringe, unconsciously, flinching as though struck by the words even if they appear over text, in that stupid, innocent font of his and it wouldn't even matter, they could cut him down in an instant and they -
[Okay, actually. Actually, no, he needs to dial it back a bit, given what little he's gleaned of this kid's history. Given that what they said while delirious down in the tunnels is still hovering in the back of his mind.]
They knew it. Only a matter of time, really - eventually everyone sees what they do and what they're capable of and he says he's not going to hurt them, ha, that's what they always have to say because it's you, it's you! Look what you made them do! Look what you made them feel! That's your fault, you're evil, evil twisted ugly thing right down the core!
Core.
Focus. Concentrate on what matters.]
I already know it's not okay. I stopped looking for stuff about the CORE. You don't have to worry.
even if it's not possible, not here, not at home it's
it's not fine
frisk, you promised.
[Cheap shot. Cheap shot, because he doesn't...he doesn't care. Of course it would happen. Promises mean nothing around Sans. Someone breaks it, Sans or someone else, and it's not even...he's not even surprised. Of course another promise got broken.]
[They bury their face in their hands for a second. Ugh. Ugh. He knows them. He knows them too well and he's doing exactly what they did to him and it hurts because they know it would come to this, it always comes to this, promises are just made to be shattered irreparably and they would know, god, they would know. Made to be dangled over people's heads. That's why he hates promises, isn't it? For the same reason Chara hates them, the same reason Frisk hates them, because they're just another way to get people to do what you want.
He's like this because they're like this. They hurt him first. It's what they deserve.
Flinch, and groan, and grind their teeth, heart fluttering in their ribcage like a trapped bird, and finally they tap out one word, their reluctant, aching concession.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
text DONE
Date: 2016-08-31 04:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 04:56 am (UTC)[It strikes him, not for the first time, that he and Frisk are pretty similar. Or that maybe a past version of himself and Frisk are similar. He tried so damn hard to save Gaster, to roll everything back to how it was and fix everything. He was the only one who remembered. The one with the "special power," so to speak. And it amounted to nothing. None of it mattered. It was like trying to change one of the fundamental laws of the universe. It doesn't even really come down to personal failings and shortcomings. It comes down to the fact that some things just absolutely cannot be changed.]
i get it
it's a horrible feeling.
but you do realize that it's not actually your fault, right?
that it's just a feeling?
though knowing doesn't actually help all that much
feelings like that are kinda irrational
you just sort of...feel them. regardless of whether they're true or not
alphys has this theory
about a sort of...tiered structure to reality?
like a big cake
because everything with any sort of power has to bend to something with more power
so monsters are on the bottom
you, chara, and the both of you as the anomaly are somewhere in the middle
and wonderland is on top
although that's slightly inaccurate
you'd need an infinite cake
because there's always going to be something out there with more power
forces we can't see or understand
there might be something beyond wonderland, controlling it in some way
but we'll likely never know what it is
and it doesn't matter, because wonderland itself controls us
trumps any sort of power or determination we might have
and, yanno
that's not exactly a pleasant thought and it's probably kind of scary
but it does mean that the stuff that happens to us here isn't out fault
that it's just beyond our control
it's just wonderland being overpowering and capricious
but, uh, then again
that probably isn't very helpful
i'm already used to this sort of thing
i wish i could give you advice on how to get used to it
or at least how to make the best of it.
i'm sorry, frisk.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 05:46 am (UTC)There wasn't just us in my head, there was something
[Ow.
That thought hurt for some reason.]
Sorry. Shouldn't talk about it.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:14 am (UTC)[He wondered, sort of. Remembers staring at reports, numbers, comparing it side by side with what memories he could retain. Something about it all seemed...weird. Very little that the anomaly did was understandable from a purely moral or logical standpoint, but the Erase...the fact that there was evidence that the world had been erased, and then had come back. A sinking feeling in his ribs when he first saw all the timelines ending, and then confusion when it became apparent that it had happened before. That it had possibly happened several times.]
[He dies, and then shortly after that, everything ends. Not just ends--ceases. Stops existing. And when something stops existing, it's not supposed to ever exist again. Everything with Gaster drilled that into his skull.]
[So...how? And why? If Chara and Frisk both clearly wanted to Erase everything...why bring it back? How was it even possible? And why did the Reset bring everything back to the same starting point as always, instead of rolling back to any other point in time? Well, jeez, now he's wondering if Frisk and Chara were asking themselves that same question. Erase the whole world and start over completely from scratch, and maybe that actually would allow them to save Asriel once and for all. But it...doesn't. It's just the same loop, the same few days, over and over.]
[That's actually really weird, isn't it? That's all--he never really thought about how weird it was. Too caught up in the existential dread and sheer misery of it all to ever look at it with complete objectivity.]
[But Frisk cuts themselves off. A mention of something else, a long pause, and then they stop. And he thinks he knows why. Something Dipper mentioned once. Something he himself has considered. Something he has very carefully avoided ever thinking about too deeply, because you can break plenty of times, you can see the way the world works and break over and over, but there are some things that you really can't come back from.]
[Some scientists think the world might be one giant computer simulation. What a fascinating thought, right?]
for the same reason you don't want to dig for the doctor anymore, right?
maybe it's for the best.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:19 am (UTC)[...ah.
Well, maybe he would've figured it out anyway. He's smart. Able to put the pieces together. He put them together a whole lot of times. Maybe he even knows who, or what they're talking about, even if it doesn't seem to like being talked about. It escapes their mind in a way that's entirely different from the man who - the one whose name also escapes them. Like their very existence shouldn't be perceived at all. Like they're some kind of invisible hand that...
Just as easily as they conjured up the thought, it's gone again.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:43 am (UTC)[Oh.]
[Oh fuck.]
[Abruptly, all thoughts of the other thing are gone.]
that was it?
that was the reason?
you thought that would be some kind of
[They thought that was a solution? They thought that was--they thought that was acceptable?]
[All at once he feels...cold. Not a temperature cold, not even a despair cold. An...angry cold.]
[He's angry. Or as close to angry as he can get in this timeline.]
[They thought--they seriously thought--but it's not like he ever explained it. It's not like they would have known. They probably, what, assume he just--did some stupid science experiment and poof? Like it's that easy? Like that's what he wanted?]
no, you know what
i can tell you
i can tell you exactly how he did it
and it won't matter, because it can't be replicated
it's not physically possible for something like that to happen ever again
as impossible as any of us willing ourselves to leave wonderland, or to stay
and you might say you don't want to know anymore
but i think you're going to have to convince me
so i'll tell you
come by my room and we'll chat.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:48 am (UTC)They cringe, unconsciously, flinching as though struck by the words even if they appear over text, in that stupid, innocent font of his and it wouldn't even matter, they could cut him down in an instant and they -
Don't want this.
Don't want to think about this.
Don't have a choice.]
Are you mad at me?
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 06:52 am (UTC)[Okay, actually. Actually, no, he needs to dial it back a bit, given what little he's gleaned of this kid's history. Given that what they said while delirious down in the tunnels is still hovering in the back of his mind.]
i'm not
going to hurt you or anything
okay frisk?
but we need to talk about this
i need you to understand why this
why this isn't okay.
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 07:03 am (UTC)They knew it. Only a matter of time, really - eventually everyone sees what they do and what they're capable of and he says he's not going to hurt them, ha, that's what they always have to say because it's you, it's you! Look what you made them do! Look what you made them feel! That's your fault, you're evil, evil twisted ugly thing right down the core!
Core.
Focus. Concentrate on what matters.]
I already know it's not okay. I stopped looking for stuff about the CORE. You don't have to worry.
its fine
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 07:10 am (UTC)i'm worried
even if it's not possible, not here, not at home it's
it's not fine
frisk, you promised.
[Cheap shot. Cheap shot, because he doesn't...he doesn't care. Of course it would happen. Promises mean nothing around Sans. Someone breaks it, Sans or someone else, and it's not even...he's not even surprised. Of course another promise got broken.]
[Of course.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-31 07:15 am (UTC)He's like this because they're like this. They hurt him first. It's what they deserve.
Flinch, and groan, and grind their teeth, heart fluttering in their ribcage like a trapped bird, and finally they tap out one word, their reluctant, aching concession.]
Fine.
[If they're lucky, he'll make it quick.
Doesn't mean it won't hurt.]