[Good god, that event was a MESS. Even despite his best efforts to protect his loved ones from the Indoctrination and the fallout from it, he can't help but feel like a total failure on his part. Even trying to stay optimistic about the whole event seems all but impossible. He...really couldn't protect anyone, could he? What kind of a king - no - what kind of a friend and brother can't protect the people he love?
He can't stay cooped up in his room with his thoughts, or else it'd continue to drive him crazy. He needs to just...be with someone. And. And also pet a cat. Petting a cat might help him feel better.
It's not long before Papyrus swings open his door and walks the two steps to Sans's door and gives it a couple of knocks.]
SANS, I...SIGH.
[Normally, it wouldn't feel so strange to ask for some company, especially when he's feeling down, but right now? It feels like such a stark turn from the way he carried himself throughout the past event. Right now, he's just kind of hoping that Sans can get the picture right away so he doesn't have to say anything else out in the open.]
[It didn't feel like enough time, even when he woke up. Which itself is odd, the idea that you have any sense of time while you're dead. It wasn't like that before, either--that first time. It was just darkness, and then waking up, and knowing time must have passed, because that's how it works.]
[He had to check a calendar and the network a few times to make sure. He's...early. A day early, give or take a few hours. It doesn't make any sense. He's never heard of people coming back early. He remembers that post that Frank made awhile ago, about someone coming back to life at the wrong time, but he never found out what the context was. He has no idea what this could mean. But it's something to think about, at least, something that isn't caves and screaming and bugs in his skull.]
[He's been lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling since he got back. Hasn't really moved. Doesn't move much at all until he hears a knock at the door.]
[Papyrus, of course. And he can't help the swell of relief, that Papyrus didn't just...disappear while he was gone. He'd been terrified that first time, too. Shot awake and started calling for him, chest tight like it was going to cave in.]
[He's gonna have to tell him, isn't he. Gonna have to actually say the words. Never mind that he's back early and what that could mean, this is...this isn't a secret he can keep.]
[As soon as he hears Sans's voice from the other side, Papyrus lets himself in, shutting the door behind him. Papyrus himself doesn't really look all that much better, to be frank. It appears that he decided to swap out his regal shirt for a comfier graphic tee, but he's still very much wearing his regal slacks and boots. It's like he can't decide whether or not he should dress up as a king or not, so he compromised and did both.
He immediately moves towards Sans and sits down next to him on the bed. His brow is furrowed and he's just gazing at the carpet.]
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE, SO...I JUST...
[He sighs again. What is there even to say that's not already obvious? It feels like he wants to say at least twenty different things at once, how he feels like he couldn't protect anyone, or how he feels like he failed his friends that were indoctrinated, or if only he could just rewind time so that this whole event wouldn't happen in the first place.
Instead, he just moves to put his head in his hands, and doesn't say anything, save for a weak, frustrated, almost hopeless whimper.]
[It's worse than he thought. Worse than it was in the caves, maybe. Papyrus looks tired and completely lost. He's staring at the floor like he's not even sure what he's looking at.]
[What happened to him? They didn't get to talk for very long.]
[Sans automatically scoots aside to make room for him.]
hey, it's okay. i get it. was kinda getting sick of being alone, too.
[Papyrus takes his head in his hands and Sans moves closer, wrapping an arm around Papyrus's back and leaning against him. He tips his head against Papyrus's shoulder.]
[Papyrus follows suit and leans into Sans, silently nodding. He doesn't move for a while as he concentrates on his own thoughts. It's not like he expected all of the self doubt to go away in a snap, but he was kind of hoping that a change of scenery would at least make his mind stop buzzing. At least now, he's not alone.
...maybe talking about it might help out? It's worth a shot, at least. Now is exactly NOT the time to bottle things up.]
...AS SOON AS SHEPARD TOLD US ABOUT THAT SHIP, I MADE A PACT TO MYSELF THAT I WOULD PROTECT EVERYONE WE KNOW FROM THIS EVENT. I THOUGHT THAT IF I MADE SURE THAT EVERYONE WAS IN A SAFE SPOT, OR IF ANYONE WAS IN MORTAL DANGER, I WOULD SWOOP IN AND RESCUE THEM. I...WANTED TO BE A LEADER AND PROTECT EVERYONE. I MEAN, I HAD DONE THAT ALREADY FOR ALMOST A YEAR BACK AT HOME!!
[He starts wringing one of his hands with his slacks, as if that squeezing the life out of it will somehow make things better.]
BUT...THEN ASRIEL AND METTATON BOTH BECAME INDOCTRINATED, AND...I DIDN'T JUST WANT TO ABANDON THEM OR ANYTHING, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I STILL NEEDED TO PROTECT EVERYONE THAT HADN'T TURNED AND, AND THEN EVERYTHING JUST MADE A TURN FOR THE WORSE ON THAT LAST DAY, AND I...COULDN'T DO IT. I...I DON'T THINK I WAS ABLE TO PROTECT ANYONE. I NEEDED TO DO THAT, AND I COULDN'T. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP EVERYONE AWAY AND SAFE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
[He stays quiet while Papyrus sorts out his thoughts. He's always been good at staying quiet. Letting Papyrus fill the silence when he needs to.]
i was...kinda doing the same. told shep months ago that i'd...yanno, try to shortcut people to safety during bad events. didn't do much good this time. or, heh. ever.
[He's not sure he saved anyone at all this time. Or ever. Has he ever saved anyone, really?]
[At the mention of Asriel and Mettaton, his soul clenches. He starts to raise a hand to his chest before dropping it again. He can't feel it anymore. Can't feel Mettaton at all. There isn't even the faint memory of the connection between them. No lingering threads or frayed edges. It's just...gone.]
[Because he had to go and get his stupid self killed.]
[Papyrus is beating himself up over it and...he doesn't even know yet, does he. He doesn't know that Sans died. Doesn't know that he was gone and then inexplicably came back early.]
it's...not your fault, bro. you can't beat yourself up like that. this one--this one was designed to hurt as many people as possible. feels like that was the point. it's the will of wonderland, papyrus. can't fight it.
[He turns a little so that his face is partially buried against Papyrus's shoulder.]
don't get mad at yourself, okay? be mad at wonderland. just don't...
[How the hell is he supposed to tell him? How is he supposed to just--casually add another burden onto those shoulders? It'd be kinder to just not tell him, wouldn't it? Even if he's been trying so hard not to lie like that anymore.]
[Papyrus lets out a quick breath. That's right, Sans also is a part of Shepard's guard team, as a sort of an escort. How could he forget about that? He must have been trying hard too.
He cranes his head for just a moment to find and hold onto Sans's free hand with his own before lowering it again.]
I THINK YOU DO PLENTY OF GOOD. AND...I KNOW THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO MORE GOOD, TOO. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
[Like he's one to talk right now.
He tries to let Sans's words really sink in. This is not his fault. This is Wonderland's fault, not his. Wonderland set out to ruin as many peoples' lives as possible and succeeded. Why does he still feel so awful, though?]
I JUST...I DIDN'T WANT THE PAST FEW DAYS TO END UP SO...HORRENDOUS. THERE COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH DONE TO PREVENT EVERYTHING AND I NEEDED TO DO MORE, AND...
[He stops abruptly and takes in a deep breath. Right. Okay. Don't get mad at yourself, Papyrus.]
OKAY, BROTHER. I WILL CHANNEL MY ANGER AT WONDERLAND INSTEAD. IT'S LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S THE ONE THAT PUT US ALL INTO THIS MESS. I'LL JUST NEED TO TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.
[He's silent for a little while longer, trying to process what to say next.]
AFTER WE HAD TO MOVE TO A SAFER PART OF THE CAVE BECAUSE OF THAT CAVE-IN...I COULDN'T HELP BUT STILL TRY TO TRACK YOU DOWN AGAIN, BROTHER. E-EVEN THOUGH I REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE, TRYING TO FIND AND SAVE ANYONE THAT WASN'T INDOCTRINATED YET. IT WAS LIKE...I HAD TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WERE STILL SAFE, YOU KNOW?? BUT, TO ABANDON MY ROUTINE LIKE THAT...TO CAST AWAY EVERYONE ELSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN IN DANGER...I...I DIDN'T MEAN TO CAST THEM ASIDE EITHER. I REALLY, REALLY DIDN'T...
[It kind of felt like he was trying to solve the train puzzle: drop everything to save one life or continue on in order to save many lives? Either one of the outcomes didn't sound very pleasing, as that would mean that the opposite party would have to suffer.]
[He was trying. He kept going out there, trying to find people who were getting too close to the Reaper, offering to teleport them to safety. Kept trying to get people out of the mansion when it became unsafe. Tried so hard, and for what? What good did it do? Even once he was in the caves, did he even manage to save Max? He hasn't heard from her yet. Did he manage to help anyone? Even a little?]
...yeah. i know.
[They're both so bad at this. For all that Sans likes to take it easy, he's always hardest on himself. For all that Papyrus acts carefree and happy, he's always hardest on himself. Sans still wonders sometimes if Papyrus gets that from him. If he taught him that.]
[Sans squeezes his hand.]
i know you did everything you could, bro. you always do.
[Papyrus looked for him afterward. It makes him want to sink into the goddamn floor. The idea that Papyrus was looking for him, that he feels guilty, that he's torn up about losing track of Sans, torn up about not helping enough people because he was looking for Sans...]
[This is what he does to his brother. Papyrus deserves so, so much better.]
that thing was awake and destroying wonderland by then. you woulda gotten killed if you'd left the caves. i'm glad you didn't. you...you did survive, right?
[He must have, if he's alive again by now. But...Sans is back already. It should have been two days, but he's back. Papyrus could have gotten back early too.]
YES...FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I DIDN'T HOLD ANYTHING BACK. I'LL JUST. I'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER NEXT TIME. I WILL NOT FAIL AGAIN.
[Resigning himself to live in Wonderland for an indefinite period of time also means that he has to get used to these sort of events. He has to get used to the idea that there will be events that cause mass destruction. It'd be like...if someone was invading the Underground with a massive army! He would still have to prepare for that. This was no different.
He takes in a deep breath and nods again. Sans does have a point. If he wasn't looking for him in the caves, then surely he would have found his way out and gotten himself killed that way. No other way around it. That also means that there was next to no chance of anyone surviving above ground.
He could feel his stomach drop at that realization.]
YES, YES I DID SURVIVE. I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG I WAS DOWN IN THE CAVES, BUT WHEN THE COMMOTION OUTSIDE CEASED TO A HALT, I DID TAKE A PEEK OUTSIDE OF THE CAVERNS. THE SHIP WASN'T THERE ANYMORE.
[He looks up slightly so he could get a better look at Sans.]
HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AFTER WE SEPARATED?
[Everyone has a limit. A breaking point. Sans really, really doesn't want his brother to find his. The worst part is that if anything can break him, it's Wonderland.]
[Hell, finding out his brother died again and he couldn't stop it might be enough. Sans doesn't want to tell him. It'd be better for everyone if he just didn't tell him, right? But he's...he's supposed to be honest. He said he'd be honest. Why is it so fucking hard?]
[He lets out a shaky little sigh when Papyrus says that he survived.]
glad you made out okay.
[Then he asks, and Sans feels his soul sink. He has to tell him. If he's asking directly like this, then he can't just skirt around it and dodge, right? Even if it would be better. It'd be better if Papyrus didn't have to know. Is it really better to be honest about every little thing?]
i...uh...
[And now he's remembering it, and that's even worse. The cave, the look on Max's face, debris falling from the ceiling with every shake and shudder. Her holding up the phone.]
i found someone in the caves. didn't realize it at first, but they were indoctrinated.
[Won't say her name. He's not sure if Papyrus even knows Max, but he doesn't want to cause unnecessary tension.]
tried to talk them outta it, but...
[She'd run and he'd followed. He'd just wanted to stop her, but something...went wrong. He can't quite remember. Breaking bones, blood, using whatever he had left to try and heal her.]
[He doesn't even know if she survived or not.]
[His self-control falters. His grip on his brother tightens.]
i'm sorry. papyrus, i'm...so sorry. i'm sorry.
[Sorry for not being strong enough, sorry for letting it come out like this, sorry for being such a worthless goddamn brother.]
[He can't really find the motivation in him at the moment to answer with his usual, confident self, but he's going to try.]
OF COURSE NOT. THE GREAT PAPYRUS KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HIS LIMITS ARE!! EVEN THOUGH RIGHT NOW IT KIND OF FEELS...NOT AS HIGH AS THEY SHOULD BE.
[He's not too terribly worried about his own spirit breaking. He may feel down now, but he knows he'll be able to spring back up again in no time!
Then he notices Sans hesitating, and that is already a bad sign. Something must have happened. He hangs on to every word of his story, feels his brother tighten his grip and suddenly it feels like the world is in slow motion.
He doesn't have to say the exact words for Papyrus to get the picture. After they separated...Sans died. He got killed.
The fact that there was nothing he could do about that makes his SOUL sink.
He wastes no time in turning to his brother and holding him in a tight embrace, burying his face on his brother's shoulder. He doesn't want to rattle his bones, nor does he want to completely break down, but he can't help but start talking in a very sorrowful tone.]
N-NO, IT'S - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING. I SHOULD HAVE - I SHOULD HAVE FOUND ANOTHER WAY AROUND THAT CAVE IN. THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO -
[God, he doesn't even want to say that word. His voice cracks.]
I SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER. I'M SO SORRY...I'm so sorry...
i know they don't. it's okay, bro. wonderland cheats. it doesn't play fair.
[If it did, then, hell. Papyrus would be able to manage just about anything. He'd probably have found a way out of Wonderland by now, if that was the case. But Wonderland cheats, and it changes the rules to suit its whims. It's impossible to ever win against something like that.]
[He's a ball of tension, waiting for his words to sink in, for the bomb to fall. Papyrus turns and grips him tightly, and all Sans can think is that he doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve his brother. And Papyrus doesn't deserve this inevitable guilt.]
[His breath hitches and he holds on as tight as he can.]
no, don't. please don't do that. it wasn't your fault. it wasn't anyone's fault. please--bro, please don't blame yourself. it wasn't your fault. there wasn't anything you could have done. it's--it's just wonderland. it's just wonderland, papyrus.
[Shouldn't have said anything. Should have kept it secret, like he used to, and hadn't it been working just fine for them both? Just...letting Papyrus think the best. He shouldn't have to know how bad and fucked up everything is. That's supposed to just be Sans's job.]
[All Papyrus can do is just lower his head and sink himself further. It's one thing when it comes to trying to figure out what makes a place tick. There should be a set of rules in order to guide how things work.
With Wonderland, all of that is just thrown out the window. How can anyone expect to know what's going on here when Wonderland just keeps changing, especially when the changes are as drastic as this? It's like it's designed to crush all hope.
...]
I...OKAY, I'LL TRY.
[If he doesn't at least try to not be so hard on himself, when would he stop? Falling into self depreciation is a slippery hill, one that he's not planning on spiraling down anytime soon.]
IT'S JUST WONDERLAND...RIGHT.
[He lets out a shaky sigh.]
THIS...PROBABLY WON'T BE THE LAST TIME WONDERLAND GIVES US A HORRIBLE EVENT LIKE THIS, RIGHT?? SO LONG AS THERE ARE BAD MEMORIES, THEN IT'LL HAVE AMMUNITION FOR BAD EVENTS.
[There's a weird silver line in there somewhere, and that's having prior experience to other bad events. At least now, next time if there's an event where everyone has to go underground for cover, he'll have a much better plan. More experiences means better planning, which means a better outcome.
He nods into Sans's shoulder again, still holding on as tight as he possibly can.]
NEXT TIME WILL BE BETTER. I'M GOING TO BECOME MUCH BETTER AT SAVING EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU. JUST YOU WAIT. I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IN THAT EASILY. IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THIS TO KNOCK DOWN THE GREAT PAPYRUS!!
[It's hard. Maybe it's impossible. You can't just tell someone not to feel something. How many times have people told Sans not to blame himself for something? It's impossible. It just doesn't work like that. Someone with as much integrity and determination as Papyrus is going to blame themselves. Someone with as much self-hate as Sans is going to blame themselves.]
[It's unbreakable. But Papyrus telling him he'll try, it's...it's something. They say that acknowledging it is the first step. They just never say what the next steps are supposed to be.]
yeah. just wonderland.
[He feels like he's going to just go to pieces. How many times has this happened between them? How many times has it gone so, so bad, and then they sit like this just trying to hold each other together?]
i'd never blame you, bro. never. you know that.
[It could never be Papyrus's fault. It's just as impossible as getting either of them to stop kicking themselves.]
we'll...both do better next time.
[Will it matter? Will Wonderland care how hard they're trying? No one tries as hard as Papyrus, and yet still...]
[How long before Wonderland makes Papyrus give up? A shudder runs through Sans at the very thought.]
good. i'm glad. i couldn't...i couldn't stand it if this place made you like...like me.
[Just so long as he can keep on repeating to himself that this is all Wonderland's fault, then it should be enough to distract him from actively beating himself up about it. Is this the right thing to do? Papyrus isn't sure, but it seems like the best option.
He feels like such a babybones, just hanging onto his brother like this, like he just woke up from a horrific nightmare. But...he doesn't want to let go.]
YES, I KNOW. THAT'S...NOT GOING TO CHANGE, RIGHT?
[Now that he mentions it, Papyrus really cannot think of a time where his brother has gotten legitimately mad at him, or blamed him for something. Sure, there have been some spats, but he can't think of a time when they've had a huge, full blown fight about something serious. Maybe all of this time in Wonderland, as well as taking up his kingly duties in the Underground, has caused him to not remember. If that's the case, he doesn't want to remember anytime soon.]
...DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT FRISK SAID TO US BEFORE THEY LEFT? THEY SAID THAT WE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER. AND, SINCE THE LAST EVENT, WE REALLY COULDN'T DO THAT, LET'S TRY AND DO THAT NOW AND DURING THE NEXT EVENT. THAT'D BE A START TO DOING BETTER, I THINK.
[Gotta keep the human's wishes alive, right?
It doesn't take much to decipher what Sans means by saying that Wonderland might make him 'like him'. It reminds him of the singing and Lost Souls event, when he and the human found Sans muttering to himself to 'just give up', and 'you'll never see them again'.
He looks up at Sans while keeping his grip on him.]
I DON'T WANT YOU TO COMPLETELY GIVE UP, EITHER. KNOWING WONDERLAND, IT MUST HAVE MADE YOU GONE THROUGH SOME HORRIBLE EVENTS WHILE I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE, MAYBE EVEN SOME THAT WERE WORSE THAN THE EVENT WE JUST WENT THROUGH. YOU MAY WANT TO FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, BUT I THINK YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT IN YOU!! AND, IF YOU REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU CAN CONTINUE ON, THEN YOU SHOULD COUNT ON ME TO HELP YOU!!
[He looks straight into Sans's eyes with determination.]
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON YOU, BROTHER. NOT NOW, NOT EVER. AND THAT'S FINAL.
[The uncertainty in Papyrus's voice sends a horrible jolt through him. He looks up at Papyrus, fingers curling into his shirt.]
never.
[There's some promises even a guy like Sans can keep. He would never, ever blame his brother for the awful shit that happens in Wonderland. It's impossible. The only way it could happen is if Wonderland messed with his head during an event, and then it's just an event. It's not forever, and he could apologize afterward, make sure Papyrus understood it was just Wonderland and not really Sans.]
[Papyrus could kill him and Sans still wouldn't blame him.]
[He gives a shaky little sigh at the mention of Frisk.]
yeah. i remember. we...we can do better than this.
[They've taken care of each other their whole lives, after all. They can keep doing it. They can do better. That's at least one certainty in this uncertain hellhole.]
[He lets Papyrus talk. It's hard to believe that he could really have some fight left in him, but...god, it's always so, so heartening to hear that Papyrus believes in him. Maybe there's something to be said for openness and honesty, because back home they always just supported each other in silence. They were there for each other, always, but that was just an undercurrent. They were always too busy pretending everything was fine. Too often, things were never actually said out loud. They were just implied.]
[It's sort of incredible to hear it out loud. His breath hitches a little and he reaches up to mop at his eyesockets with his sleeve.]
you're...you're too good, bro. you're too good for this place. that means a lot to me bro, i...thanks. thank you.
[Even after second guessing himself on whether or not any full blown arguments happened in the past, the certainty in Sans's voice just cinches it: he really wouldn't blame him for anything. Sometimes, some reassuring goes a long way.]
GOOD...GOOD.
[Now that he thinks about it, they have been taking strides here in Wonderland about getting better. Ever since Papyrus first got pulled into Wonderland, all dressed in his royal garb, Sans was able to be honest with him and tell him about the true outcomes of his friends back home and not sugarcoating anything about Wonderland. Even just now, when he...essentially told Papyrus that he died during the last event. That definitely would not have happened back at home.
He smiles and rests his forehead on the top of his brother's skull.]
I THINK WE'RE TAKING SOME GOOD STEPS, BUT YES, I'M CERTAIN WE'LL GET THERE. WE JUST HAVE TO CONTINUE TO BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER, EVEN IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE EXTREMELY BAD!!
[At least this is a good first step. If he can be more open with his family, then that should lead to being more open to his friends as well! ...although, to be honest, the thought of his friends knowing all of his uncertainties and thoughts and fears doesn't sound very appealing. They might not want to be friends with him anymore, and he'd rather keep his friends, thank you very much.]
AND...YOU'RE WELCOME, BROTHER. IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE NOT DOING ANYTHING SOLELY BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT LIFE IS STUPID AND WONDERLAND IS HORRIBLE, LET ME KNOW. I CAN GIVE YOU THE SPEECH AGAIN AND PROVE TO YOU THAT THERE IS STILL SOME HOPE. EVEN IF WONDERLAND IS UNPREDICTABLE, IT DOESN'T MEAN OUR LIVES HAVE TO BE MISERABLE HERE!!
[He's partially saying that out loud for himself, too. This past event sucked, a lot, but it doesn't have to define them.
Although, speaking of that last event...Papyrus just realizes something.]
WAIT A MOMENT...IF YOU DIED YESTERDAY, AND THAT WAS YOUR SECOND DEATH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE UNTIL TOMORROW, TECHNICALLY. AND I KNOW THAT YOU WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT DYING ONCE, BECAUSE WHAT WOULD EVEN BENEFIT YOU ABOUT LYING ABOUT THAT?? SO...WHY ARE YOU BACK A DAY EARLY???
[It's painful, the fact that Papyrus really was worried about such a thing. But then again, it probably feels the same for Papyrus, when Sans worries that Papyrus will reject him. Maybe they both really are more alike than Sans ever thought.]
[Papyrus rests his head on Sans's and Sans can't help but relax a little bit more. He's been tense and lost and confused since waking up--or rather, since realizing what happened and that he's back a day early. Everything is better with Papyrus here. Everything makes a bit more sense.]
yeah, we've...we've been doin' pretty good, huh? i'm kinda proud of us.
[They really have both improved, especially when it comes to--actually talking about things. They're getting there, if slowly. These things take time.]
[It probably helps that two separate truth events kind of forced them to spill all the major stuff right off the bat.]
heh. you're always so good at gettin' me up and going.
[Papyrus always knows exactly how to motivate a lazy pile of bones like Sans. It must come from experience.]
[At the question, he frowns just slightly.]
i don't know. i checked the calendar earlier and noticed that too. it doesn't make sense. i've never heard of...people just coming back early.
[That's certainly something that he can't deny. He never would have guessed in a million years that they would actually start to open up to each other. He's so used to the old routine of just...bottling up his more negative emotions. It was like a silent agreement. No news is good news, right?
This...this feels better.]
I'M PROUD OF US TOO. FROM HERE, THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP!!
[He's definitely not about to pour out his emotions in front of everyone else if he doesn't need to, but this is all right. This is enough for him.]
NYEH HEH!! WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO!! IF I DIDN'T FORCE YOU TO GET A JOB OR TO EVEN GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM, YOU'D PROBABLY STAY IN HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! IT'S NOT HEALTHY. STAYING HEALTHY IS A HUGE FACTOR IN FEELING BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!!!
[With his weak constitution plus his mental state, Papyrus can only assume that it plays a huge factor into his brother not really wanting to do anything. That oughta be his next project -- finding out different ways to get his brother's self esteem up. Even something like that might help with his motivation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained at least!
He then hums at Sans's answer.]
WASN'T THERE AN ENTRY ON THE NETWORK ABOUT THAT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO?? SOME GUY WAS ASKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE WAKES UP FROM DEATH A DAY EARLIER TOO...IF HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, THEN I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ALONE ON THIS. STILL, THIS IS VERY STRANGE...
[Wonderland is chalk full of puzzles, isn't it?]
MAYBE...MAYBE WONDERLAND DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A BREAK?? MAYBE IT DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A FREEBIE DEATH!!
[The problem is that every time he thinks he's hit rock bottom, the floor gives out beneath him. It makes him wonder if trying to climb out is even worth it.]
[Gotta stop thinking like that. He's been trying, for the kids, for Papyrus, for all of them. Maybe also vaguely for himself.]
yeah...you're probably right, bro.
[He knows Papyrus is right. When Papyrus isn't around he just...can't manage. It's pathetic. Codependent, he knows. But how do you fix something like that after decades? Should it even be fixed?]
[It's...fine like this, right?]
yeah...i think i remember that. i just dunno if there was ever a straight answer.
[His expression goes completely empty for just a moment at the idea that death can be a freebie. It's bad enough that death is virtually meaningless here.]
NYEH HEH!!! I KNOW I'M RIGHT!!! TRUST ME, I'M A...BONE-IFIDE EXPERT ON THIS!!
[He may or may not have intentionally snuck in that pun.
His eyes light up as he pulls himself back, just so that he can get a proper look at Sans's face again.]
WAIT, I JUST GOT AN IDEA!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY IF I REALLY HELP YOU OUT ON FEELING BETTER? LIKE...A TRAINING COURSE ALL ABOUT FEELING GREAT!!! IT'D BE LIKE WHEN UNDYNE GAVE ME THAT TRAINING COURSE ON BEING A ROYAL GUARD MEMBER, BUT WITH LESS...SETTING THINGS ON FIRE.
[The special training that Undyne had with him really helped out with learning how to prepare for the Royal Guard, even if her tactics were less on the fighting side and more on the...culinary side, for some reason. If that helped him, then maybe something like that would help his brother out, too! He's determined to see things through.]
HMM...IF THERE WASN'T A STRAIGHT ANSWER, THEN THAT DOESN'T REALLY HELP US. AND YOU'RE RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT WONDERLAND DOESN'T LIKE TO GO EASY ON ALL OF US. SO WHY WOULD IT JUST...LET YOU COME BACK A DAY EARLIER???
[There's a small part of him that questions whether or not Sans was actually telling the truth about dying once before. But, by all accounts, it still doesn't make sense for him to lie about that. During the honesty rift, Sans told him the details about what happened during the second time he was here in Wonderland. Later on, Papyrus took a look at his past network posts and found a video clip of himself announcing to everyone that Sans was on 'vacation'. His first death really did happen. So...why is this most recent death being counted as if it was his first one?
He's starting to run out of ideas.]
MAYBE YOU...GOT KNOCKED OUT INSTEAD??? AND THEN YOU JUST...DIDN'T WAKE UP FOR A WHILE???
[He lets that theory sink in before he grumbles a sigh, slumping over slightly.]
[That gets him to laugh a bit more earnestly. Papyrus's puns are rare, and that makes them all the more incredible. He's not gonna call Papyrus out on it, though, because that runs the risk of him trying to walk it back. Better to savor the moment.]
a training course? i dunno...
[He's envisioning exercise and obstacle courses and mock-battles.]
sounds like too much movement for me.
[Maybe you can feel better about yourself just by sitting around and watching bad TV and eating greasy food. If that's the case, count Sans in.]
[Sans stays quiet while Papyrus tries to muddle through what any of this could mean. The more Sans thinks about it, the more he wonders if it means anything at all.]
nah, i...i'm sure about what happened. i felt it.
[He's not gonna go into detail.]
well...why don't we put a pin in that one for now. i'm tired of thinking about it. let's...do something else, yeah? could we, uh. go outside or something?
[The last time he saw the outdoors, people were flocking to the Reaper, the mansion was on fire, and parts of the world were being actively destroyed. He kind of just wants to see for certain that Wonderland is still there.]
NONSENSE!! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO FORCE YOU TO RUN FIVE MILES STRAIGHT WHILE SHOUTING HOW GREAT WE ARE...WE'LL JUST BUILD UP TO THAT!!!
[Maybe a quarter of a mile should start off fine, Sans is pretty slow anyway...on second thought, maybe he should just have them run a lap around the mansion first? So many choices!
He looks away for just a split second, the realization of what happened yesterday finalizing itself. It was a long shot, but he's decided that this isn't going to keep him down anymore.]
I SEE...YES, I AM IN FULL AGREEMENT WITH YOU THERE. WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT THIS LATER ON, WHEN ALL OF THIS IS LONG PAST US!!
[He finally pulls away from his brother and stands up. Already, he's feeling a bit better after everything that happened during that past event. It's not perfect, but it's certainly better than how he was feeling beforehand, which is still good.]
YES, LET'S HURRY OUTSIDE!! SINCE THE EVENT IS TRULY OVER, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE BACK TO NORMAL...
[It'd definitely be a sight for sore eyes if they leave the mansion to find that the ground are completed ruined thanks to that Reaper.]
what if instead i just...walk a really slow lap around the mansion once a day.
[Hell, even he can do that, so long as there's no time limit. Honestly, with how Max's rewinds keep affecting him, he really should stop relying on teleporting quite so much. Maybe...it would actually help, just getting used to actually moving from place to place. Like regular people.]
thanks, bro.
[It's not always easy getting Papyrus to drop something.]
[He drags himself to his feet with a sigh, but he's smiling. He really does want to get outdoors.]
i'll even do you a solid and walk out there instead of a shortcut. how's that for progress?
...ALL RIGHT, I'LL ALLOW IT. JUST THIS ONCE, AND ONLY BECAUSE THAT LAST EVENT WAS GARBAGE AND WE BOTH FEEL LIKE GARBAGE. NEXT TIME WE'LL POWER-WALK AROUND THE MANSION WITH NEWFOUND ENTHUSIASM!!!
[He's got to commit that to memory for next time! Now that he thinks about it, that should be a much better next step. Baby steps might be the way to go here, as much as he wants to just start up a regimen that requires a 5K run daily. Man, he wishes Undyne was still here, she'd really help things out here! Ah, well. She's back home, in her timeline, safe and definitely not dead.
Papyrus beams at his brother as he leads the way to the door.]
A-HA!! YES, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL PROGRESS, BROTHER!!! SEE??? IT'S SO SIMPLE, EVEN YOU CAN DO IT!! AND SINCE YOU MADE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS IMPROVING YOURSELF, IT'S JUST GOING TO GET EASIER FROM HERE ON OUT!!! THIS ISN'T SO BAD, RIGHT??
[And then he kicks the door open! For dramatic effect!!]
COME!! LET'S GO OUTSIDE SO WE CAN CLEAR OUR HEADS AND THINK ONLY GOOD THOUGHTS!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Action - Let's just backdate this to a day or two after the event
Date: 2018-05-10 03:23 am (UTC)He can't stay cooped up in his room with his thoughts, or else it'd continue to drive him crazy. He needs to just...be with someone. And. And also pet a cat. Petting a cat might help him feel better.
It's not long before Papyrus swings open his door and walks the two steps to Sans's door and gives it a couple of knocks.]
SANS, I...SIGH.
[Normally, it wouldn't feel so strange to ask for some company, especially when he's feeling down, but right now? It feels like such a stark turn from the way he carried himself throughout the past event. Right now, he's just kind of hoping that Sans can get the picture right away so he doesn't have to say anything else out in the open.]
hell yes
Date: 2018-05-10 07:27 am (UTC)[He had to check a calendar and the network a few times to make sure. He's...early. A day early, give or take a few hours. It doesn't make any sense. He's never heard of people coming back early. He remembers that post that Frank made awhile ago, about someone coming back to life at the wrong time, but he never found out what the context was. He has no idea what this could mean. But it's something to think about, at least, something that isn't caves and screaming and bugs in his skull.]
[He's been lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling since he got back. Hasn't really moved. Doesn't move much at all until he hears a knock at the door.]
[Papyrus, of course. And he can't help the swell of relief, that Papyrus didn't just...disappear while he was gone. He'd been terrified that first time, too. Shot awake and started calling for him, chest tight like it was going to cave in.]
[He's gonna have to tell him, isn't he. Gonna have to actually say the words. Never mind that he's back early and what that could mean, this is...this isn't a secret he can keep.]
[He sits up and swings his legs off the bed.]
yeah, bro, i'm here. it's unlocked.
\o/
Date: 2018-05-11 03:31 am (UTC)He immediately moves towards Sans and sits down next to him on the bed. His brow is furrowed and he's just gazing at the carpet.]
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE, SO...I JUST...
[He sighs again. What is there even to say that's not already obvious? It feels like he wants to say at least twenty different things at once, how he feels like he couldn't protect anyone, or how he feels like he failed his friends that were indoctrinated, or if only he could just rewind time so that this whole event wouldn't happen in the first place.
Instead, he just moves to put his head in his hands, and doesn't say anything, save for a weak, frustrated, almost hopeless whimper.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 06:04 am (UTC)[What happened to him? They didn't get to talk for very long.]
[Sans automatically scoots aside to make room for him.]
hey, it's okay. i get it. was kinda getting sick of being alone, too.
[Papyrus takes his head in his hands and Sans moves closer, wrapping an arm around Papyrus's back and leaning against him. He tips his head against Papyrus's shoulder.]
it was a bad one.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-12 03:38 am (UTC)...maybe talking about it might help out? It's worth a shot, at least. Now is exactly NOT the time to bottle things up.]
...AS SOON AS SHEPARD TOLD US ABOUT THAT SHIP, I MADE A PACT TO MYSELF THAT I WOULD PROTECT EVERYONE WE KNOW FROM THIS EVENT. I THOUGHT THAT IF I MADE SURE THAT EVERYONE WAS IN A SAFE SPOT, OR IF ANYONE WAS IN MORTAL DANGER, I WOULD SWOOP IN AND RESCUE THEM. I...WANTED TO BE A LEADER AND PROTECT EVERYONE. I MEAN, I HAD DONE THAT ALREADY FOR ALMOST A YEAR BACK AT HOME!!
[He starts wringing one of his hands with his slacks, as if that squeezing the life out of it will somehow make things better.]
BUT...THEN ASRIEL AND METTATON BOTH BECAME INDOCTRINATED, AND...I DIDN'T JUST WANT TO ABANDON THEM OR ANYTHING, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I STILL NEEDED TO PROTECT EVERYONE THAT HADN'T TURNED AND, AND THEN EVERYTHING JUST MADE A TURN FOR THE WORSE ON THAT LAST DAY, AND I...COULDN'T DO IT. I...I DON'T THINK I WAS ABLE TO PROTECT ANYONE. I NEEDED TO DO THAT, AND I COULDN'T. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO KEEP EVERYONE AWAY AND SAFE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-12 04:46 am (UTC)i was...kinda doing the same. told shep months ago that i'd...yanno, try to shortcut people to safety during bad events. didn't do much good this time. or, heh. ever.
[He's not sure he saved anyone at all this time. Or ever. Has he ever saved anyone, really?]
[At the mention of Asriel and Mettaton, his soul clenches. He starts to raise a hand to his chest before dropping it again. He can't feel it anymore. Can't feel Mettaton at all. There isn't even the faint memory of the connection between them. No lingering threads or frayed edges. It's just...gone.]
[Because he had to go and get his stupid self killed.]
[Papyrus is beating himself up over it and...he doesn't even know yet, does he. He doesn't know that Sans died. Doesn't know that he was gone and then inexplicably came back early.]
it's...not your fault, bro. you can't beat yourself up like that. this one--this one was designed to hurt as many people as possible. feels like that was the point. it's the will of wonderland, papyrus. can't fight it.
[He turns a little so that his face is partially buried against Papyrus's shoulder.]
don't get mad at yourself, okay? be mad at wonderland. just don't...
[How the hell is he supposed to tell him? How is he supposed to just--casually add another burden onto those shoulders? It'd be kinder to just not tell him, wouldn't it? Even if he's been trying so hard not to lie like that anymore.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-13 03:48 am (UTC)He cranes his head for just a moment to find and hold onto Sans's free hand with his own before lowering it again.]
I THINK YOU DO PLENTY OF GOOD. AND...I KNOW THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO MORE GOOD, TOO. YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
[Like he's one to talk right now.
He tries to let Sans's words really sink in. This is not his fault. This is Wonderland's fault, not his. Wonderland set out to ruin as many peoples' lives as possible and succeeded. Why does he still feel so awful, though?]
I JUST...I DIDN'T WANT THE PAST FEW DAYS TO END UP SO...HORRENDOUS. THERE COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH DONE TO PREVENT EVERYTHING AND I NEEDED TO DO MORE, AND...
[He stops abruptly and takes in a deep breath. Right. Okay. Don't get mad at yourself, Papyrus.]
OKAY, BROTHER. I WILL CHANNEL MY ANGER AT WONDERLAND INSTEAD. IT'S LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S THE ONE THAT PUT US ALL INTO THIS MESS. I'LL JUST NEED TO TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.
[He's silent for a little while longer, trying to process what to say next.]
AFTER WE HAD TO MOVE TO A SAFER PART OF THE CAVE BECAUSE OF THAT CAVE-IN...I COULDN'T HELP BUT STILL TRY TO TRACK YOU DOWN AGAIN, BROTHER. E-EVEN THOUGH I REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE, TRYING TO FIND AND SAVE ANYONE THAT WASN'T INDOCTRINATED YET. IT WAS LIKE...I HAD TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU WERE STILL SAFE, YOU KNOW?? BUT, TO ABANDON MY ROUTINE LIKE THAT...TO CAST AWAY EVERYONE ELSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN IN DANGER...I...I DIDN'T MEAN TO CAST THEM ASIDE EITHER. I REALLY, REALLY DIDN'T...
[It kind of felt like he was trying to solve the train puzzle: drop everything to save one life or continue on in order to save many lives? Either one of the outcomes didn't sound very pleasing, as that would mean that the opposite party would have to suffer.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-13 09:51 am (UTC)...yeah. i know.
[They're both so bad at this. For all that Sans likes to take it easy, he's always hardest on himself. For all that Papyrus acts carefree and happy, he's always hardest on himself. Sans still wonders sometimes if Papyrus gets that from him. If he taught him that.]
[Sans squeezes his hand.]
i know you did everything you could, bro. you always do.
[Papyrus looked for him afterward. It makes him want to sink into the goddamn floor. The idea that Papyrus was looking for him, that he feels guilty, that he's torn up about losing track of Sans, torn up about not helping enough people because he was looking for Sans...]
[This is what he does to his brother. Papyrus deserves so, so much better.]
that thing was awake and destroying wonderland by then. you woulda gotten killed if you'd left the caves. i'm glad you didn't. you...you did survive, right?
[He must have, if he's alive again by now. But...Sans is back already. It should have been two days, but he's back. Papyrus could have gotten back early too.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-13 07:34 pm (UTC)[Resigning himself to live in Wonderland for an indefinite period of time also means that he has to get used to these sort of events. He has to get used to the idea that there will be events that cause mass destruction. It'd be like...if someone was invading the Underground with a massive army! He would still have to prepare for that. This was no different.
He takes in a deep breath and nods again. Sans does have a point. If he wasn't looking for him in the caves, then surely he would have found his way out and gotten himself killed that way. No other way around it. That also means that there was next to no chance of anyone surviving above ground.
He could feel his stomach drop at that realization.]
YES, YES I DID SURVIVE. I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG I WAS DOWN IN THE CAVES, BUT WHEN THE COMMOTION OUTSIDE CEASED TO A HALT, I DID TAKE A PEEK OUTSIDE OF THE CAVERNS. THE SHIP WASN'T THERE ANYMORE.
[He looks up slightly so he could get a better look at Sans.]
HOW ABOUT YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AFTER WE SEPARATED?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-14 04:06 am (UTC)[Everyone has a limit. A breaking point. Sans really, really doesn't want his brother to find his. The worst part is that if anything can break him, it's Wonderland.]
[Hell, finding out his brother died again and he couldn't stop it might be enough. Sans doesn't want to tell him. It'd be better for everyone if he just didn't tell him, right? But he's...he's supposed to be honest. He said he'd be honest. Why is it so fucking hard?]
[He lets out a shaky little sigh when Papyrus says that he survived.]
glad you made out okay.
[Then he asks, and Sans feels his soul sink. He has to tell him. If he's asking directly like this, then he can't just skirt around it and dodge, right? Even if it would be better. It'd be better if Papyrus didn't have to know. Is it really better to be honest about every little thing?]
i...uh...
[And now he's remembering it, and that's even worse. The cave, the look on Max's face, debris falling from the ceiling with every shake and shudder. Her holding up the phone.]
i found someone in the caves. didn't realize it at first, but they were indoctrinated.
[Won't say her name. He's not sure if Papyrus even knows Max, but he doesn't want to cause unnecessary tension.]
tried to talk them outta it, but...
[She'd run and he'd followed. He'd just wanted to stop her, but something...went wrong. He can't quite remember. Breaking bones, blood, using whatever he had left to try and heal her.]
[He doesn't even know if she survived or not.]
[His self-control falters. His grip on his brother tightens.]
i'm sorry. papyrus, i'm...so sorry. i'm sorry.
[Sorry for not being strong enough, sorry for letting it come out like this, sorry for being such a worthless goddamn brother.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-15 03:18 am (UTC)OF COURSE NOT. THE GREAT PAPYRUS KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HIS LIMITS ARE!! EVEN THOUGH RIGHT NOW IT KIND OF FEELS...NOT AS HIGH AS THEY SHOULD BE.
[He's not too terribly worried about his own spirit breaking. He may feel down now, but he knows he'll be able to spring back up again in no time!
Then he notices Sans hesitating, and that is already a bad sign. Something must have happened. He hangs on to every word of his story, feels his brother tighten his grip and suddenly it feels like the world is in slow motion.
He doesn't have to say the exact words for Papyrus to get the picture. After they separated...Sans died. He got killed.
The fact that there was nothing he could do about that makes his SOUL sink.
He wastes no time in turning to his brother and holding him in a tight embrace, burying his face on his brother's shoulder. He doesn't want to rattle his bones, nor does he want to completely break down, but he can't help but start talking in a very sorrowful tone.]
N-NO, IT'S - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING. I SHOULD HAVE - I SHOULD HAVE FOUND ANOTHER WAY AROUND THAT CAVE IN. THEN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO -
[God, he doesn't even want to say that word. His voice cracks.]
I SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER. I'M SO SORRY...I'm so sorry...
no subject
Date: 2018-05-15 05:12 am (UTC)[If it did, then, hell. Papyrus would be able to manage just about anything. He'd probably have found a way out of Wonderland by now, if that was the case. But Wonderland cheats, and it changes the rules to suit its whims. It's impossible to ever win against something like that.]
[He's a ball of tension, waiting for his words to sink in, for the bomb to fall. Papyrus turns and grips him tightly, and all Sans can think is that he doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve his brother. And Papyrus doesn't deserve this inevitable guilt.]
[His breath hitches and he holds on as tight as he can.]
no, don't. please don't do that. it wasn't your fault. it wasn't anyone's fault. please--bro, please don't blame yourself. it wasn't your fault. there wasn't anything you could have done. it's--it's just wonderland. it's just wonderland, papyrus.
[Shouldn't have said anything. Should have kept it secret, like he used to, and hadn't it been working just fine for them both? Just...letting Papyrus think the best. He shouldn't have to know how bad and fucked up everything is. That's supposed to just be Sans's job.]
it's okay. i'm okay now. please.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-16 02:54 am (UTC)With Wonderland, all of that is just thrown out the window. How can anyone expect to know what's going on here when Wonderland just keeps changing, especially when the changes are as drastic as this? It's like it's designed to crush all hope.
...]
I...OKAY, I'LL TRY.
[If he doesn't at least try to not be so hard on himself, when would he stop? Falling into self depreciation is a slippery hill, one that he's not planning on spiraling down anytime soon.]
IT'S JUST WONDERLAND...RIGHT.
[He lets out a shaky sigh.]
THIS...PROBABLY WON'T BE THE LAST TIME WONDERLAND GIVES US A HORRIBLE EVENT LIKE THIS, RIGHT?? SO LONG AS THERE ARE BAD MEMORIES, THEN IT'LL HAVE AMMUNITION FOR BAD EVENTS.
[There's a weird silver line in there somewhere, and that's having prior experience to other bad events. At least now, next time if there's an event where everyone has to go underground for cover, he'll have a much better plan. More experiences means better planning, which means a better outcome.
He nods into Sans's shoulder again, still holding on as tight as he possibly can.]
NEXT TIME WILL BE BETTER. I'M GOING TO BECOME MUCH BETTER AT SAVING EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU. JUST YOU WAIT. I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IN THAT EASILY. IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THIS TO KNOCK DOWN THE GREAT PAPYRUS!!
no subject
Date: 2018-05-16 06:01 am (UTC)[It's unbreakable. But Papyrus telling him he'll try, it's...it's something. They say that acknowledging it is the first step. They just never say what the next steps are supposed to be.]
yeah. just wonderland.
[He feels like he's going to just go to pieces. How many times has this happened between them? How many times has it gone so, so bad, and then they sit like this just trying to hold each other together?]
i'd never blame you, bro. never. you know that.
[It could never be Papyrus's fault. It's just as impossible as getting either of them to stop kicking themselves.]
we'll...both do better next time.
[Will it matter? Will Wonderland care how hard they're trying? No one tries as hard as Papyrus, and yet still...]
[How long before Wonderland makes Papyrus give up? A shudder runs through Sans at the very thought.]
good. i'm glad. i couldn't...i couldn't stand it if this place made you like...like me.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-17 03:21 am (UTC)He feels like such a babybones, just hanging onto his brother like this, like he just woke up from a horrific nightmare. But...he doesn't want to let go.]
YES, I KNOW. THAT'S...NOT GOING TO CHANGE, RIGHT?
[Now that he mentions it, Papyrus really cannot think of a time where his brother has gotten legitimately mad at him, or blamed him for something. Sure, there have been some spats, but he can't think of a time when they've had a huge, full blown fight about something serious. Maybe all of this time in Wonderland, as well as taking up his kingly duties in the Underground, has caused him to not remember. If that's the case, he doesn't want to remember anytime soon.]
...DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT FRISK SAID TO US BEFORE THEY LEFT? THEY SAID THAT WE SHOULD TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER. AND, SINCE THE LAST EVENT, WE REALLY COULDN'T DO THAT, LET'S TRY AND DO THAT NOW AND DURING THE NEXT EVENT. THAT'D BE A START TO DOING BETTER, I THINK.
[Gotta keep the human's wishes alive, right?
It doesn't take much to decipher what Sans means by saying that Wonderland might make him 'like him'. It reminds him of the singing and Lost Souls event, when he and the human found Sans muttering to himself to 'just give up', and 'you'll never see them again'.
He looks up at Sans while keeping his grip on him.]
I DON'T WANT YOU TO COMPLETELY GIVE UP, EITHER. KNOWING WONDERLAND, IT MUST HAVE MADE YOU GONE THROUGH SOME HORRIBLE EVENTS WHILE I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE, MAYBE EVEN SOME THAT WERE WORSE THAN THE EVENT WE JUST WENT THROUGH. YOU MAY WANT TO FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, BUT I THINK YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT IN YOU!! AND, IF YOU REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU CAN CONTINUE ON, THEN YOU SHOULD COUNT ON ME TO HELP YOU!!
[He looks straight into Sans's eyes with determination.]
I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON YOU, BROTHER. NOT NOW, NOT EVER. AND THAT'S FINAL.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-17 04:50 am (UTC)never.
[There's some promises even a guy like Sans can keep. He would never, ever blame his brother for the awful shit that happens in Wonderland. It's impossible. The only way it could happen is if Wonderland messed with his head during an event, and then it's just an event. It's not forever, and he could apologize afterward, make sure Papyrus understood it was just Wonderland and not really Sans.]
[Papyrus could kill him and Sans still wouldn't blame him.]
[He gives a shaky little sigh at the mention of Frisk.]
yeah. i remember. we...we can do better than this.
[They've taken care of each other their whole lives, after all. They can keep doing it. They can do better. That's at least one certainty in this uncertain hellhole.]
[He lets Papyrus talk. It's hard to believe that he could really have some fight left in him, but...god, it's always so, so heartening to hear that Papyrus believes in him. Maybe there's something to be said for openness and honesty, because back home they always just supported each other in silence. They were there for each other, always, but that was just an undercurrent. They were always too busy pretending everything was fine. Too often, things were never actually said out loud. They were just implied.]
[It's sort of incredible to hear it out loud. His breath hitches a little and he reaches up to mop at his eyesockets with his sleeve.]
you're...you're too good, bro. you're too good for this place. that means a lot to me bro, i...thanks. thank you.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-18 03:37 am (UTC)GOOD...GOOD.
[Now that he thinks about it, they have been taking strides here in Wonderland about getting better. Ever since Papyrus first got pulled into Wonderland, all dressed in his royal garb, Sans was able to be honest with him and tell him about the true outcomes of his friends back home and not sugarcoating anything about Wonderland. Even just now, when he...essentially told Papyrus that he died during the last event. That definitely would not have happened back at home.
He smiles and rests his forehead on the top of his brother's skull.]
I THINK WE'RE TAKING SOME GOOD STEPS, BUT YES, I'M CERTAIN WE'LL GET THERE. WE JUST HAVE TO CONTINUE TO BE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER, EVEN IF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE EXTREMELY BAD!!
[At least this is a good first step. If he can be more open with his family, then that should lead to being more open to his friends as well! ...although, to be honest, the thought of his friends knowing all of his uncertainties and thoughts and fears doesn't sound very appealing. They might not want to be friends with him anymore, and he'd rather keep his friends, thank you very much.]
AND...YOU'RE WELCOME, BROTHER. IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE NOT DOING ANYTHING SOLELY BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT LIFE IS STUPID AND WONDERLAND IS HORRIBLE, LET ME KNOW. I CAN GIVE YOU THE SPEECH AGAIN AND PROVE TO YOU THAT THERE IS STILL SOME HOPE. EVEN IF WONDERLAND IS UNPREDICTABLE, IT DOESN'T MEAN OUR LIVES HAVE TO BE MISERABLE HERE!!
[He's partially saying that out loud for himself, too. This past event sucked, a lot, but it doesn't have to define them.
Although, speaking of that last event...Papyrus just realizes something.]
WAIT A MOMENT...IF YOU DIED YESTERDAY, AND THAT WAS YOUR SECOND DEATH, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE UNTIL TOMORROW, TECHNICALLY. AND I KNOW THAT YOU WOULDN'T LIE ABOUT DYING ONCE, BECAUSE WHAT WOULD EVEN BENEFIT YOU ABOUT LYING ABOUT THAT?? SO...WHY ARE YOU BACK A DAY EARLY???
no subject
Date: 2018-05-20 04:15 am (UTC)[Papyrus rests his head on Sans's and Sans can't help but relax a little bit more. He's been tense and lost and confused since waking up--or rather, since realizing what happened and that he's back a day early. Everything is better with Papyrus here. Everything makes a bit more sense.]
yeah, we've...we've been doin' pretty good, huh? i'm kinda proud of us.
[They really have both improved, especially when it comes to--actually talking about things. They're getting there, if slowly. These things take time.]
[It probably helps that two separate truth events kind of forced them to spill all the major stuff right off the bat.]
heh. you're always so good at gettin' me up and going.
[Papyrus always knows exactly how to motivate a lazy pile of bones like Sans. It must come from experience.]
[At the question, he frowns just slightly.]
i don't know. i checked the calendar earlier and noticed that too. it doesn't make sense. i've never heard of...people just coming back early.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-23 03:37 am (UTC)This...this feels better.]
I'M PROUD OF US TOO. FROM HERE, THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP!!
[He's definitely not about to pour out his emotions in front of everyone else if he doesn't need to, but this is all right. This is enough for him.]
NYEH HEH!! WELL, SOMEONE HAS TO!! IF I DIDN'T FORCE YOU TO GET A JOB OR TO EVEN GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM, YOU'D PROBABLY STAY IN HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! IT'S NOT HEALTHY. STAYING HEALTHY IS A HUGE FACTOR IN FEELING BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!!!
[With his weak constitution plus his mental state, Papyrus can only assume that it plays a huge factor into his brother not really wanting to do anything. That oughta be his next project -- finding out different ways to get his brother's self esteem up. Even something like that might help with his motivation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained at least!
He then hums at Sans's answer.]
WASN'T THERE AN ENTRY ON THE NETWORK ABOUT THAT A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO?? SOME GUY WAS ASKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE WAKES UP FROM DEATH A DAY EARLIER TOO...IF HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, THEN I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'RE ALONE ON THIS. STILL, THIS IS VERY STRANGE...
[Wonderland is chalk full of puzzles, isn't it?]
MAYBE...MAYBE WONDERLAND DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A BREAK?? MAYBE IT DECIDED TO GIVE YOU A FREEBIE DEATH!!
no subject
Date: 2018-05-24 04:50 am (UTC)heh. like hitting rock bottom.
[The problem is that every time he thinks he's hit rock bottom, the floor gives out beneath him. It makes him wonder if trying to climb out is even worth it.]
[Gotta stop thinking like that. He's been trying, for the kids, for Papyrus, for all of them. Maybe also vaguely for himself.]
yeah...you're probably right, bro.
[He knows Papyrus is right. When Papyrus isn't around he just...can't manage. It's pathetic. Codependent, he knows. But how do you fix something like that after decades? Should it even be fixed?]
[It's...fine like this, right?]
yeah...i think i remember that. i just dunno if there was ever a straight answer.
[His expression goes completely empty for just a moment at the idea that death can be a freebie. It's bad enough that death is virtually meaningless here.]
i don't think wonderland is big on breaks.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-25 03:17 am (UTC)[He may or may not have intentionally snuck in that pun.
His eyes light up as he pulls himself back, just so that he can get a proper look at Sans's face again.]
WAIT, I JUST GOT AN IDEA!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY IF I REALLY HELP YOU OUT ON FEELING BETTER? LIKE...A TRAINING COURSE ALL ABOUT FEELING GREAT!!! IT'D BE LIKE WHEN UNDYNE GAVE ME THAT TRAINING COURSE ON BEING A ROYAL GUARD MEMBER, BUT WITH LESS...SETTING THINGS ON FIRE.
[The special training that Undyne had with him really helped out with learning how to prepare for the Royal Guard, even if her tactics were less on the fighting side and more on the...culinary side, for some reason. If that helped him, then maybe something like that would help his brother out, too! He's determined to see things through.]
HMM...IF THERE WASN'T A STRAIGHT ANSWER, THEN THAT DOESN'T REALLY HELP US. AND YOU'RE RIGHT, IT SEEMS THAT WONDERLAND DOESN'T LIKE TO GO EASY ON ALL OF US. SO WHY WOULD IT JUST...LET YOU COME BACK A DAY EARLIER???
[There's a small part of him that questions whether or not Sans was actually telling the truth about dying once before. But, by all accounts, it still doesn't make sense for him to lie about that. During the honesty rift, Sans told him the details about what happened during the second time he was here in Wonderland. Later on, Papyrus took a look at his past network posts and found a video clip of himself announcing to everyone that Sans was on 'vacation'. His first death really did happen. So...why is this most recent death being counted as if it was his first one?
He's starting to run out of ideas.]
MAYBE YOU...GOT KNOCKED OUT INSTEAD??? AND THEN YOU JUST...DIDN'T WAKE UP FOR A WHILE???
[He lets that theory sink in before he grumbles a sigh, slumping over slightly.]
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A LOT MORE BRAINPOWER.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-26 05:56 am (UTC)a training course? i dunno...
[He's envisioning exercise and obstacle courses and mock-battles.]
sounds like too much movement for me.
[Maybe you can feel better about yourself just by sitting around and watching bad TV and eating greasy food. If that's the case, count Sans in.]
[Sans stays quiet while Papyrus tries to muddle through what any of this could mean. The more Sans thinks about it, the more he wonders if it means anything at all.]
nah, i...i'm sure about what happened. i felt it.
[He's not gonna go into detail.]
well...why don't we put a pin in that one for now. i'm tired of thinking about it. let's...do something else, yeah? could we, uh. go outside or something?
[The last time he saw the outdoors, people were flocking to the Reaper, the mansion was on fire, and parts of the world were being actively destroyed. He kind of just wants to see for certain that Wonderland is still there.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-28 04:27 am (UTC)NONSENSE!! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO FORCE YOU TO RUN FIVE MILES STRAIGHT WHILE SHOUTING HOW GREAT WE ARE...WE'LL JUST BUILD UP TO THAT!!!
[Maybe a quarter of a mile should start off fine, Sans is pretty slow anyway...on second thought, maybe he should just have them run a lap around the mansion first? So many choices!
He looks away for just a split second, the realization of what happened yesterday finalizing itself. It was a long shot, but he's decided that this isn't going to keep him down anymore.]
I SEE...YES, I AM IN FULL AGREEMENT WITH YOU THERE. WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT THIS LATER ON, WHEN ALL OF THIS IS LONG PAST US!!
[He finally pulls away from his brother and stands up. Already, he's feeling a bit better after everything that happened during that past event. It's not perfect, but it's certainly better than how he was feeling beforehand, which is still good.]
YES, LET'S HURRY OUTSIDE!! SINCE THE EVENT IS TRULY OVER, EVERYTHING SHOULD BE BACK TO NORMAL...
[It'd definitely be a sight for sore eyes if they leave the mansion to find that the ground are completed ruined thanks to that Reaper.]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-30 04:31 am (UTC)[Hell, even he can do that, so long as there's no time limit. Honestly, with how Max's rewinds keep affecting him, he really should stop relying on teleporting quite so much. Maybe...it would actually help, just getting used to actually moving from place to place. Like regular people.]
thanks, bro.
[It's not always easy getting Papyrus to drop something.]
[He drags himself to his feet with a sigh, but he's smiling. He really does want to get outdoors.]
i'll even do you a solid and walk out there instead of a shortcut. how's that for progress?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-31 03:37 am (UTC)[He looks on, clearly in thought.]
...ALL RIGHT, I'LL ALLOW IT. JUST THIS ONCE, AND ONLY BECAUSE THAT LAST EVENT WAS GARBAGE AND WE BOTH FEEL LIKE GARBAGE. NEXT TIME WE'LL POWER-WALK AROUND THE MANSION WITH NEWFOUND ENTHUSIASM!!!
[He's got to commit that to memory for next time! Now that he thinks about it, that should be a much better next step. Baby steps might be the way to go here, as much as he wants to just start up a regimen that requires a 5K run daily. Man, he wishes Undyne was still here, she'd really help things out here! Ah, well. She's back home, in her timeline, safe and definitely not dead.
Papyrus beams at his brother as he leads the way to the door.]
A-HA!! YES, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL PROGRESS, BROTHER!!! SEE??? IT'S SO SIMPLE, EVEN YOU CAN DO IT!! AND SINCE YOU MADE THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS IMPROVING YOURSELF, IT'S JUST GOING TO GET EASIER FROM HERE ON OUT!!! THIS ISN'T SO BAD, RIGHT??
[And then he kicks the door open! For dramatic effect!!]
COME!! LET'S GO OUTSIDE SO WE CAN CLEAR OUR HEADS AND THINK ONLY GOOD THOUGHTS!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!
(no subject)
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