IC Inbox

[punful]

hey, sup?

























just kidding. leave a message.

Comments

sounds perf

[punful]

see you soon then.

[determinedest]

[to be continued here]

4/10, a handwritten note stuck to sans' door

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Mysteriously enough, someone (and I'm not naming any names, but it was probably Frisk) has taken the time to spread ketchup on a cookie sheet, freeze it, then slide this thin icy rectangle of 'chup under Sans' door.

It should be nice and melted by the time he gets to it, probably!]

4/10, attached to their door with super glue

[punful]

[Honestly the frozen ketchup thing was pretty clever. He's mildly impressed.]

[In addition to the note are about twenty tiny paper cups filled with ketchup, all left right in front of the door, with no way to get past them without dumping them over. Or eating your way through. Sans has helpfully left a plate of cold french fries at the other end of ketchup path.]

4/10, With A Polite Gift

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Chara took one look at the hellscape that is the floor in front of room 12 and just. Left that for Frisk to deal with instead. ENJOY THAT, FRISK.

Slightly deterred by the inability to just straight-up B&E into Sans' room but nonetheless determined, Chara has instead thoughtfully left another gift bottle of ketchup by his door. It's definitely Actually Ketchup and not a bottle of the hottest hot sauce they could find with a ketchup label carefully swapped onto it.

Definitely.]

4/11, stuck to their door with a tiny bone

[punful]

[Yeah there's literally no way that's ketchup. Sans is just gonna carefully make sure it's not a bomb and then move it somewhere else.]

[Only he has a pretty extensive ketchup stash, and a few hours later he forgets which one is the Chara Ketchup, grabs a random one and takes a swig.]

[Sans doesn't yell but he does roll around his floor for awhile and dunk himself in ice water and NOTHING IS HELPING. This is it this is how he dies.]

[Only he survives and plots revenge.]



[The problem is getting Chara back without letting Frisk get caught in the crossfire. So he waits until he's sure Frisk is out of the room and will be gone for awhile.]

[Then he rigs some water balloons above their door filled with (non-toxic) blue dye.]

[You're blue now.]

4/11, stuck to his door with a knife (with a blue handprint on the handle)

[fulllifeconsequences]

[You would think Chara would know not to trust the door to their own room.

You would think.

But there's the sound of furious screeching echoing full down the second-floor hall, and today Chara sort of looks like a very strange, angry smurf from head to mid-torso or so. It's not the kind of dye that rinses off effortlessly with a little water, is it? Of course it isn't. They're blue now. This is a special kind of purgatory.]



[Thus begins an unnecessarily elaborate plan, fraught with repeated requests to the closet for something inanely specific: a very tiny little speaker. A crappy tinny little thing, like you'd get in one of those birthday cards that plays music. Except this one is so unbelievably crappy that all it can do is play a very high-pitched but not especially loud ringing beep at sporadic intervals. Like tinnitus.mid, if such a concept could be made real. Anyway, the point is this: it's vague enough to be hard to pinpoint, but annoying.

This is sewn into the inside of a generic, plain white sock.

The sock is carefully flopped onto the end of a telescoping radio antenna -- any very thin, long stick-like thing would do.

Then this absurd blueberry lies flat on the floor outside Sans' door, meticulously and carefully poking this sock under the door with said antenna, and nudging and pushing and stretching as best as they can for Entirely Too Long until it juuuuust so happens to catch the very edge of the trash tornado.

GOOD LUCK FINDING THAT BEEPING NOISE, CHUM.]

4/11, a note stuck very neatly to sans' door

[sciencelizard]

[She did, in fact, wheel a bunch of tiny box mettaton robots under the door that are now hiding under furniture, in the closet, ect. all of them are screaming in a very mettaton-like pitch. there are, in fact, only 20 of them, and will not stop making that noise unless destroyed or disabled.]

4/11 late, stuck to their door, some tiny smashed circuitry taped to the note as well

[punful]

[Wow that would be a bit threatening if not for the blue. Sans is napping at the time and awakens to high-pitched beeping that seems to be traveling around his room like some kind of fucked up mechanical mosquito.]

[It is quickly joined by several screaming robots, also strewn around his room. It's basically like those stories you hear of short-circuiting, haunted Furbies from the Nineties.]

[Literal hours and one migraine later, Sans is pretty sure he's gotten all of the noisemakers, so Sans just has to flop on the floor for another hour and enjoy the silence. It gives him time to plan.]




[All it really takes is a large fan, some telekinesis to open their window late at night, and some shit from the closet.]

[At about 10 PM, 30,000 bees are blown into their room from outside.]

[Only they're not actual bees, they're 30,000 yellow and black letters made out of construction paper. All lowercase comic sans, of course.]

[30,000 b's.]

4/11, stuck to her door along with a small pile of destroyed robots

[punful]

[The exclamation point is how you know It's On.]

[Sans is less wary of teleporting into Alphys's room than he is with Frisk and Chara, so that's exactly what he does, once he knows she's out. Then he replaces every single one of her anime DVDs with Animal Planet-style documentaries on assorted lizards throughout the world. Just the disks--the boxes are the same, so Alphys will have to actually open up every single one of her DVD cases to figure out what happened.]

[The disks are safe, of course, but they make a compelling hostage for now.]

4/12, a note plus a post-it on Sans' door

[fulllifeconsequences]

[It's a good thing 10 isn't all that late at night, because otherwise Chara might have woken up the entire floor. They're what the cool kids like to call "a light sleeper." Which is to say, the slightest bit of movement or noise may be grounds to jolt awake screaming and throwing fists at the air.

They might have literally tried to fight the bees, before they realized they're just little construction-paper puns. Frisk may have gotten bodied by a flying pillow in the crossfire. It was truly a night that would live on in infamy. Their furious "YOU'RE NOT THAT FUNNY" shrieked out the window into the night air, truly, echoes through the land.]



[Chara has STEPPED THEIR GAME UP. They've roped in reinforcements. And the three of them have booby-trapped Sans' bed in the most heinous and nefarious possible way. With as many obnoxious toy ducks as the closets would give them.

Next time he lies down, it'll be to a tender sweet lullaby.]

4/12, late, stuck to their door, along with a single duck toy

[punful]

[Oh god they got Papyrus in on it? That's...concerning. For one thing, Sans isn't sure he's okay with Papyrus hanging out with Chara, even though things have kind of settled back into normal calmness. And for another, holy shit, he's gone up against Papyrus in prank wars plenty of times over the years and he has lost every single time.]

[Also he is never going to forget the screaming of thousands of plastic birds.]



[Actually Sans had to look up what a duck actually was. He gets them confused with chickens. Anyway.]

[Chara might duck when then leave their room next but it won't actually matter, because the real danger is on the floor. If they step on a small, hidden wedge on the floor...]

[...an entire twenty-gallon bag full of colorful duck feathers will be catapulted right into their face.]

4/11....

[everyonecanbekind]

[ it's placed strategically low on the door. yet....nothing has moved inside of sans' room. it's only a warning after all.

but a thin film of super glue is coated on any touchable surface. including every bottle of ketchup in Sans' room... ]

4/12, stuck on sans' door with an anime sticker

[sciencelizard]

[Sans can probably tell when Alphys finds out what's happened to her DVDs, because the entire mansion can probably hear her screaming. You'd better be good to those DVDs, Sans, because she's gonna give you a taste of them.]



[The following day, Sans can be awakened or just walk in on anime being projected into the wall opposite the broken window. Alphys has managed to point a projector in through the window and get the speakers into the room, so she's playing absolutely terrible anime, but all of it seems to feature skeletons in some manner. It would be a huge feat to someone else to find this much content with skeletons, but that would be betraying how much anime she's actually seen. If he goes out to disable the projector, it will make a very Jurassic Park-like reaction until he guesses the password, which is coincidentally 'sans smells like dog buns'.]

4/13, good morning (or probably afternoon)

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Wow, Sans really ruffled their feathers with this one.

They step unwisely, a wedge clicks, and something rushes at them, and they react with the same charming startle reaction they usually do: jesus fuck I'M GOING TO FIGHT IT. Except when you try to knife a bag of feathers, all that happens is an explosion of feathers.

And Chara stands in the hallway, feathers everywhere, and Chara shouts and throws a fist and hits the wall. It's very elegant and refined and cool and on purpose. Everyone is probably deeply impressed.]



[As a matter of fact, it seems every pair of slippers in Sans' room has been encased in a block of ice.

Also, someone stuck a bike lock through the closet handles to keep him from just asking for a new pair. Not something that's hard to Blaster right off or cut through, since it's not an especially durable one. But maybe he'll get lucky and guess the combination. Just a random little trio of numbers that don't really mean anything, just something the closet handed to Chara when they asked.

962.]

4/12, earlyish, glued to the door

[punful]

[It took Sans quite awhile to get enough nail polish remover from the closet to get all this super glue off. He was almost considering just walking around with a ketchup bottle stuck to his hand for the rest of his life. There are worse fates.]



[The next time Papyrus leaves his room, he will find several strips of duct tape laid down sticky-side-up. And by "find" I of course mean he will definitely step on them.]

4/12, late, stuck to a cat girl figurine left in front of alphys's door

[punful]

[Holy freaking crap. Sans has seen some bad anime with Alphys before, but damn, whatever this is, it's absolutely godawful. And not even enjoyably godawful.]

[It takes hours to figure it out, and Sans doesn't end up guessing the password because Sans isn't a hacker or an engineer. Instead he just manages to unhook the speakers so it stops making noise, and then he just sort of disassembles the projector, teleports the entire thing out to the ocean and drops it all in the water. Several anime skeleton girls sink beneath the waves.]

[Then he goes to work.]



[Those are definitely the lyrics to the opening theme to Mew Mew Kissy Cutie 2 and not something else.]

[Alphys will find that all of her anime DVDs have been returned, but every single one is in the wrong box. And all the boxes are out of order. And if she has any catgirl figurines, they've been replaced with little porcelain cats instead.]

4/13, a bit later,

[punful]

[The worst part is that Sans doesn't actually notice until he's plunking his feet down on blocks of ice. Skeletons don't technically feel temperatures, but sticking your bones on actual ice is kind of uncomfortable. After some time spent just mourning his slippers, and then moving the ice blocks to a bathtub to let them melt, Sans turns to the closet.]

[Well, he didn't bother trying to crack Alphys's password either, so he's not even going to try the bike lock. Though it does give him a weird feeling in the back of his skull. Sans just tosses a few bones at it until it breaks. Then he comes up with a game plan.]



[Since breaking into each other's room is no longer off the table, Sans decides to just go for it.]

[It's basically the same as with the cups of ketchup, except this time the entire floor is covered in cups of water. Cups of frozen water. It's just approximately six billion tiny cups of ice. You can't even really eat your way through this one.]

4/13, late, taped to the door with a scrunched-up, damp paper cup

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Guess who kicked over a ton of those cups when they walked into the room? This kid. They just. Stand and stare. In silent awe. They are not paid near enough to deal with this. They are not paid at all, in fact.

They turn around and leave it for Frisk to clean up. Their "roomie of the year" trophy is bound to arrive at any moment.]



[Yep. Frisk. Definitely Frisk who's scared. What a baby. What a wimp. We are all laughing at them. Truly.

And speaking of Frisk! They are, in fact, stepping their game up. Hope you like herding cats, Sans, because Team Satan has unleashed several in your room, each wearing a little cape with a number on it.

There are four cats. However, said little capes are numbered 1, 2, 4, and 5. Good luck figuring out there's no number three.]

4/13, a bit later, stuck to the door with a cat sticker

[punful]

[He actually ends up staring at this note for awhile, just kind of studying it while the four cats wreck havoc around his room. Pssh, as if he's gonna herd any of them. They're just cats, they can do whatever they want. Sans figures he can just toss some canned fish out into the hall and that'll take care of it.]

[This note is just...odd. It's odd that Chara would mention it at all.]

[Maybe he'll avoid breaking into their room from now on. Creeping people out is for times when you're rendering judgment or threatening children in restaurants, not for prank wars.]

[Now as for that canned fish idea...]

[Sans finds 1, 2 and 5 easily enough, but 4 proves more elusive, hiding under his bed and hissing at him. Sans just leaves 4 there and looks around for 3. He spends about a half an hour trying to locate 3 before he realizes what the joke is. Heh. That's a good one. He pulled that one in college, only it was with Temmies and there were at least eleven of them.]



[So first, Sans has to get the cats out of his room. 1, 2 and 5 are easily lured by a tin of tuna, and from there, it's just a matter of gathering some of the other myriad felines in this weird mansion. Turns out that cats are very pliable when you wave a bunch of fish around. Once Sans has a good enough crowd, all he has to do is teleport them all into Chara and Frisk's room.]

[So now there are about 400 cats and kittens in their room, including 1, 2 and 5.]

[4, it seems, has decided to just stay under Sans's bed and Sans just doesn't have the energy to go get it, so apparently that's its home now.]

4/14, This Isn't Even A Prank

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Sans, you have no idea the critical hit you have struck. Chara comes home. Chara opens the door. The veritable apocatlypse comes pouring out.

Literally nothing else is accomplished that day. Nobody is watching, Chara has yarn and spare bandages to dangle and wave around playfully, and every single option in the ACT menu is, of course,

* Pet.

And pet. And pet. And pet. And pet. Using the last of your strength, you pet dramatically... the crowd goes wild!]

4/14, later, after much searching of his room; stuck to the door with more cat stickers

[punful]

[Sans sees the note and assumes there must be a prank in his room, but after a couple hours of searching, he finds nothing. Huh. Wow. This must be a temporary ceasefire.]

[The cat that he has been calling 4 since that's the number it's still wearing has remained in his room and is currently watching him with glowing eyes from under his bed. It wasn't tempted out by the tuna, but at least it seems to have warmed up to Sans.]




[Not that he's complaining since it hasn't done anything but make noises at him and stare at him and sleep, but he's not sure how one takes care of a cat.]

4/15, Sweetly Naive of the Impending Zombie Apocalypse

[fulllifeconsequences]

[It's hard to focus on anything but cats when YOUR ROOM IS FULL OF THEM. Even with the door open, there are still a bunch hanging around, and Chara has spent much more time chasing their own yarnballs and untangling kittens and fussing and teasing until they get scratched because they're Chara, what else would they even do.]



[They did offer one more effort, though. They filled a bunch of extremely fragile-looking vases with canned tuna, then stuck them up on the highest shelf they could. If number 4 is sticking around, may as well make sure the little guy continues his pranking duties.]

4/15, later, with a sealed baggie filled with broken vase pieces (not sharp ones)

[punful]

[Sans had to actually look up what that word even was and then had to look up how it was pronounced (more of this French thing he guesses?) and holy shit. He has to pat himself on the back for punning so well that even he didn't know it was a pun. Good job, Sans.]

[Meanwhile 4 shatters every single one of those vases, because 4 is an ornery cat, and is also a cat.]

[Sans does a bit more research and then unleashes the follow-up prank.]



[Also he chucked several fistfuls of catnip through Chara's window.]

4/16, hastily taped up as they pass

[fulllifeconsequences]

[Another day where Nothing Gets Done, because a catnip grenade has gone off, and all these cats are high as kites. Chara has never been drooled on so much in all their days.

Unfortunately, Wonderland has a habit of being... Wonderland. Before they can come up with a prank in return, Shit Gets Real.]



[It's not a Stay Alive, Sans, because Chara. But that last note was cute. 4 is cute. So it's. Uh. It's something.]